It was another cold morning, but I had to bare the weather and go outside. I layered up, wearing my fleece lined leggings, my two coats and a thick turquoise scarf. Standing in front of my door, I took a deep sigh, knowing that once I stepped outside I would have to not only walk the 6 blocks to the bus station, while the wind blew the cold air in my face, but that I’d have to eventually see him too. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to see him, oh god, I wanted to see him, more than anything did I want to see him, but not like this, and definitely not today. I muster up the courage to open the door and face my everyday reality. As I grab the door knob and pull the door towards me, I feel the cold air blow into my apartment. The door feels heavier today than usual. I don’t know why they make these doors so heavy in the first place, but today, it feels heavier. I take my first step outside, and I look down at my feet as I slowly close the door. Another deep sigh, all I have to do is put one foot in front of the other, I repeat this statement in my head a couple times before I begin to walk. Here we go, six blocks to the bus station. I can do this. 

The long walks are always difficult in the morning for me. The cold air hits your face like a ton of bricks and whether or not I put in my ear buds and listen to music or not, walking that long just makes you think… and think about things some more, repetitive thoughts always get me into trouble. Sometimes I wish I could just turn my brain off, for one moment, god, wouldn’t that be nice. 

As I’m walking up towards the bus station, my feet stop, I look down at them, it’s like my body is telling me not to go near him, my heart feels heavy like its dropping slowly into my gut. I feel so tired and my day hasn’t even begun. I have to face him. I won’t let him see the pain inside my heart. I’ll pretend that everything is fine, just as I always have. (Deep sigh) Here we go, just another cold morning.

- K. Hodges